Sunday, June 12, 2016

Why I'm Dwelling On The Past

The're supposed to let it go, right? Well, I can't. Maybe this is true for a lot of people who have gone through a traumatic experience. My experience was childhood cancer, which has made me forever a cancer mom. Three years ago, I would have never have seen myself where I am today. For some reason it feels like I went from the summer of 2013 to now in the blink of an eye. Seriously.. what just happened? What happened in these last three years? It went by so fast. Cancer diagnosis, new baby, new house, enrolled in a BSN program, cancer remission, another new baby - all while working. One thing after another. Happy times and sad times. In the two and a half years of Vienna's cancer treatment, SO MUCH has happened. I feel like I was dragged through it, without really experiencing it. So now that she is 6 months off treatment, i'm finally ready to comprehend what has happened.

Maybe some people want to just block out bad times, forget them completely. I'm not ready for that. I am constantly trying to remember the things that have happened to us in those years, and I always seem to remember something new. I find myself scrolling through my old Instagram and Facebook photos and looking at our old posts on her Facebook page. Constantly reminding myself of what she had to go through. It may seem like i'm torturing myself, but really i'm just trying to grasp onto all of those times and start to take them in and process them. I never had the chance to when we were actually experiencing them.

For me, I think dwelling on the past is therapeutic. It's a way for me to go back and accept and come to terms with everything. I'm finally able to talk to others about what has happened and how it affected them. Cancer has changed our lives big time but I haven't really had the chance to talk to others about how her cancer changed them too. I want to hear more of their side of things, where were they when they found out, etc. It's how i'm coping with this traumatic event. Accepting it as a part of my past. I'm still trying to work on how it all fits in with my life today, balancing between remembering the events and forgetting the emotions. What should I take with me and what should I leave behind? We're only 6 months post cancer, so with time I think i'll learn how to integrate all these aspects and move on.

**the above picture was taken 10 days before she was diagnosed, on a a horse at King Richard's Faire


  1. I remember the day of diagnosis like it was yesterday... I had lost touch with everyone after leaving the nursing program... but I never forgot the people I met. You, Greg and Vienna being 3 of them. I remember coming to your house and playing with V in the living room and playing on the swings. She is such a beautiful little girl! Full of life and always put a smile on my face. The day she was diagnosed... I was living with a boyfriend in warwick. I was alone at the time and Paula from class txt me to tell me that there was a post on fb about Vienna's diagnosis and that she didnt know all the details, but you were on your way to Hasbro. She txt me because she knew I was close with you in class and I was no longer on facebook. I will NEVER forget that day. I went numb. Without a second thought, I picked up the phone to call you, almost certain you would not answer... but you did... I could hear the shock and fear in your voice. I was talking to you.... but I wasnt really talking to you.... the reality hadn't even set in yet... what you were about to endure was not even feasible. I instantly thought back to a time in class when I was going through a tough time and said to you that you didnt know how lucky you were to have such a loving family. Even after diagnosis, I meant that more than ever! For the past 3 years i've watched your little family grow stronger than ever and even though I dont see you... i still feel a connection to you that you may not even know. This journey youve shared with us... we've been here every step of the way.. even if from a distance... and for that I am forever thankful and proud to call you my friend and admire all you do for your family, your career and for others. Truly admirable. So thats my memory, never to be forgotten....hoping to be able to get together soon and catch up :)

    1. You know, I do remember talking to you - maybe a day after she was diagnosed? I went out into the hallway of the red pod. When I think back to it, it just feels like yesterday now.

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